Why I'm Not the Woman I Used to Be

Posted on 18. Feb, 2010 by karentrue in health

You might always wonder how you might feel or respond if some catastrophic event came into your life…until it actually happens and then you know. Yes, I had thyroid cancer five years ago, but hearing my doctor say that I probably had ovarian cancer now tops my list of personal high stress life experiences. Since I’d often wondered how I might react to such news, I’ve now settled that one. Here’s how it went…

First came disbelief…trying to make by brain accept what my ears had already processed.
The what ifs followed. Lots of them.

Then I resolved that I would not be overwhelmed.
Then I woke up at 2 am…overwhelmed.
So I prayed and prayed and cried myself back to sleep.
Friday morning began with sadness and a CT scan.

Gerry’s face has not looked so solemn in all of our 15 years. We talked and cried as we began to feel the crushing weight of it all while we made phone calls, rearranged a million plans and prayed that God would make a way for us to get into MD Anderson.

5:00 pm on Friday arrived with waves of relief. No answers and no changes but startling relief. For two days, every moment and every thought was dedicated to finding the best possible surgeon, the best possible answers and thinking through every imaginable scenario. Adrenaline was our ammunition, and cancer was our enemy. But when the doctor’s offices closed, we could no longer pursue leads, request tests, ask questions or try to manage the crisis. Knowing there was nothing else to do but wait was the best thing that could have happened. That’s when I realized how stressful it is to try to control the uncontrollable.

Having the kids home over the weekend brought normalcy back to our lives and allowed me to step back and see that my only option, the best option, was to trust God. So I asked Him to take over. I asked Him to order our steps. I read that He is my portion forever and decided that was enough. He mentioned that I am His portion too and reminded me that He’d do nothing less than His best on my behalf. What more could I ask for?

I slept better that night than I had in years. Truly, I did. Many of you know about the sleep issues I’ve had since my thyroid surgery five years ago. I had not slept a full night since…until that night…the night I decided to believe that God really is enough. He is good enough. Great enough. Big enough. More than enough. My portion forever. And He grants sleep to those He loves. He was there, and that was all I really needed.

I’ve learned more than I ever cared to know about cancer in the past couple of months, and the lessons came complete with illustrations via the bare heads and shivering frames of men, women, teens and children who waited alongside of me for blood tests, CT scans and doctor’s visits. This classroom held its lessons in shadowy places, yet it is here that I learned more about God than I did about cancer.

I learned that God doesn’t have to show up. He’s already there.
I learned that God doesn’t need to shout. He waits for us to be quiet.
I learned that God doesn’t have to be visible to give comfort that is as warm as a hug and as personal as a whisper.
I learned that God is more ready for us to hear Him than we are to listen.
Best of all, I learned that God really is enough for me.

Learning that I don’t have cancer has washed away a Niagra of fear, worry, doubt, stress, speculation and anxiety. You name it, I felt it. But all those subsided, and in their places stood faith. Strong and ready to fight, not so much against cancer but for me. Thank God, I’m not the woman I used to be.

15 Responses to “Why I'm Not the Woman I Used to Be”

Rocio

19. Feb, 2010

Thank you Karen, your words are a blessing to me. God has giving me health and for that I thank Him to no end. I pray He gives me a portion of the courage His given you to face everything that life brings with it.
Charla

19. Feb, 2010

These words are so beautiful Karen…

* I learned that God doesn’t have to show up. He’s already there.
* I learned that God doesn’t need to shout. He waits for us to be quiet.
* I learned that God doesn’t have to be visible to give comfort that is as warm as a hug and as personal as a whisper.
* I learned that God is more ready for us to hear Him than we are to listen.
* Best of all, I learned that God really is enough for me.

This is just what I needed to read today. Thank you for sharing. I enjoy reading your posts so much! xox
Julie

19. Feb, 2010

Oh, so beautiful Karen!

You need to know thought that your goofy funny friend Julie is dying to say something…….your title has all the people in my head shouting but I will refrain until I’m with you that is. Oh, let that be soon!!!

After walking that journey with you friend, I can say I saw the most amazing woman before me and if faced with the same crisis I pray to be as strong as you! I learned too that God truly is enough! I will rest there my friend.

Who by the way is HOT, cold, HOT, Cold and always RIGHT!!!
karentrue

20. Feb, 2010

I can almost hear your people going crazy! Thank you for your sweet words and for walking this journey with me. I wouldn’t have wanted to go it without you my friend.
karentrue

20. Feb, 2010

So good to hear from you and especially good to know that these words blessed you. That’s my prayer and desire for this blog, and it doesn’t hurt many any to rehearse all that God has done by writing it down here.
jjr, mo

22. Feb, 2010

i want to be just like you when i grow up. You are quite a woman and He is quite A God!! This was tender and beautiful-like you…J
karentrue

22. Feb, 2010

So my friend is now a commenter! Funny, I’m wanting to be like you when I grow up, so maybe we can make the journey easier by meeting in the middle. Your words encourage me to the depths my friend.
April Pressley

25. Feb, 2010

I’m really glad to know you Karen. I look forward to knowing you more. You know I’ve been praying for you, but I figured hearing it again today might help :O) I hope you are having a good week!
Amy

23. Apr, 2010

These words are so beautiful Karen…

* I learned that God doesn’t have to show up. He’s already there.
* I learned that God doesn’t need to shout. He waits for us to be quiet.
* I learned that God doesn’t have to be visible to give comfort that is as warm as a hug and as personal as a whisper.
* I learned that God is more ready for us to hear Him than we are to listen.
* Best of all, I learned that God really is enough for me.

This is just what I needed to read today. Thank you for sharing. I enjoy reading your posts so much! xox
Jeff

27. Apr, 2010

Thank you Karen, your words are a blessing to me. God has giving me health and for that I thank Him to no end. I pray He gives me a portion of the courage His given you to face everything that life brings with it.
Joe

27. Apr, 2010

So good to hear from you and especially good to know that these words blessed you. That’s my prayer and desire for this blog, and it doesn’t hurt many any to rehearse all that God has done by writing it down here.
Eric

28. Apr, 2010

So my friend is now a commenter! Funny, I’m wanting to be like you when I grow up, so maybe we can make the journey easier by meeting in the middle. Your words encourage me to the depths my friend.
Tony

28. Apr, 2010

I’m really glad to know you Karen. I look forward to knowing you more. You know I’ve been praying for you, but I figured hearing it again today might help :O) I hope you are having a good week!
MarkSpizer

03. May, 2010

great post as usual!

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